To begin with, my computer is fixed and I would be recording music again if I had time. I have not had time. I have been busy transcribing speeches and interviews from any number of bottomlessly terrible people ranging from a representative of the Monsanto Edible Abominations Against God and Nature
corporation (NYSE: MEAAGN!!!) to one of the Bush administration's many draftsmen of global economic ruin, Hank Paulson
. I suppose it's reasonably ironic that my dreams of one day being able to sell out my ideals by licensing one of my original songs to an ad campaign for a gross multinational corporation for an absurdly large sum of money have been deferred by my immediate need to sell out my ideals by recording for posterity the pitter-patter of unchecked capitalist greed for pitiably less money.
And for further irony, considering the irresponsibly-difficult-to-parse nature of the previous sentence, I am speaking to you today because Adrienne has prevailed upon me to assemble a writing portfolio and I require your assistance.
Though it's not much in evidence lately, I do really love to write. And although mental health concerns led me to bow out of a couple of low-pressure opportunities to do so in my mid-20s, it's still probably the thing I'm best at and, as Adrienne pointed out, it's kind of dumb not to try to make something good happen as a result of that. As such, it makes sense for me to have a properly vetted bundle of clips handy, since I inevitably make poor choices if I'm asked to assemble a selection on short notice. (I can't remember the exact circumstances, but I have a distinct memory of realizing too late that I'd responded to a prospective employer's request for a writing sample by submitting a piece that contained an unfortunate deployment of the word dildo
.) The problem is I really have no idea what pieces I've written might comprise a strong case that I have some sort of skill in that area.
The Soul Coughing primer
I wrote for No Ripcord
was apparently considered informative enough that it's been linked from Soul Coughing's Wikipedia page, but, as with most of the music criticism I wrote at age 22, it kind of has a know-it-all vibe that makes me cringe in retrospect. I do like that track-by-track review of The Best of the 80's Decade
I wrote a couple months back. Maybe that's a contender?
I think my favorite thing I've ever written is The Disclaimer Adam Baldwin Review Archive
, simply because it's an inexcusably silly project that gave me a lot of different things to write about, but it's way, way too long to be useful as a snapshot of my "talent" or "style." I guess maybe I could compile a few selections from the longer piece? Is that a good idea? (I also really like the fake news article I wrote about a fictional Jack the Ripper museum
in Boston, but that's really just more silliness with no weight or purpose to it, and I'm leaning toward excluding that as well.)
I really am feeling kind of baffled about what I might include in this portfolio, uncharacteristically enthusiastic as I actually am about the idea of putting it together, so I am turning to you. Not that I expect anyone looking at this to have retained anything of mine they've read, let alone to have any sort of "favorites," but just in case there's a dangerously obsessive lurker out there who was intensely impressed by something I once said, now's the time to let me know of your existence by bestowing specific accolades upon me! I would also greatly appreciate any sort of feedback or direction the other seven of you might be able to provide (beyond "Don't let the Washington Post draw you into a life of indentured servitude
Okay, back to typing up the many virtues of Monsanto's luxurious new breed of technologically blessed dairy cows. Eyes replaced by LED stock tickers! Udders emit pleasing bagpipe dirges when milked! 80% greater cognizance of the cruel, cruel cosmic joke their very existence constitutes!CURRENT MUSIC: Winking Makes a Face
by Tadd Mullinix. CURRENT MOOD:
Angry, almost always. CURRENT NUMBER OF GOLDEN GIRLS DISCS LEFT TO WATCH: